Parents

They will do anything for their children: support them, protect them, work their butts off to feed them... But you know, they also scold them, use them as an anger outlet, whack them when they're naughty, swear all sorts of names in all sorts of languages...

What i'm trying to say is that parents tend to forget who they were once when they were young. The days when they hung out with their friends, the days when they did stupid things, had gone dating with their partners... Days when they had the freedom to be children, teenagers - youngsters.

I grew up in a strict-family home. I've never gone shopping with my friends without my parents lurking in the other side of the mall (I was 18 when they first allowed me with this condition, and is still like this til today). In order to go anywhere, I must have a valid reason as to why I have to go there and with who and for how long, and if it's far, it is a definite NO unless I give a lot of valid reasons. So far, I have only gone out with my friends three times in my whole life.

It doesn't matter if I am going to the university, or the mall, or even at home: I must be within the building at all times. To even step out of the building will cause my chances of ever going anywhere even slimmer than now. When I'm at home, I must be in the house, no where else. I've broken this rule when I was in college once, and my mother found out, and she threatened to pull me out of the college and place me somewhere she can watch me. She would've asked people in the college to keep an eye out for me if I step out of line again.

I've never gotten a boyfriend either. Due to other reasons, I have finally settles on one which I can use as a valid reason for rejecting him without bad feelings: We cannot go on dates. It won't be fair for him. If my parents ever found out, my freedom might be gone forever.

I've never had my own privacy. My mother checks my Facebook (that's the whole reason she created a Facebook account in the first place, and actually demanded me to delete several posts.

It's so difficult to keep up to the timing in my university, even when i was in high school. I have never joined any clubs because my parents wouldn't be able to fetch me. Even if they were able to, the amount of fights I have with them to persuade them to fetch me would be endless.

Don't they think that this is suffocating me? The fact that I'm going to be 20 years old in a month, and this has not changed. They are restricting me of all the stuff that I should have experienced years ago. Because of these, I have practically zero experience of the outside world, and my mother said I just lack common sense. What the hell is that supposed to mean??

There's so many more things to write, but I think I'm going to have to continue next time. It makes me tear up just writing this.

Many of you may think I'm pathetic for writing this. Blogging this is my only way of venting my frustrations because I have nobody to throw all these at. Nobody will want to listen to these pathetic stuff, and I know. I've seen their faces. I've been keeping all these in, and it's becoming like poison to my own brain and heart. Nobody likes to hear complains, and I rather keep all these in than to make my already-limited amount of friends not hate me.

The anger that is building inside me is killing me, and I just want to scream and throw everything down and walk away. I have a way to calm 30% of it, but there's physical evidence. It's so difficult to keep it in...

I'll keep it in as long as you don't hate me.

I'm back! ...maybe?

It's been almost two years since I've last posted something here. It's also almost been this long since I've actually visited this site. Since this is the first post in so many months, I shall write down some of my reasons here (not in order):

1. Blogspot.com kicked me out, saying I needed a Google account in order to sign back in. That was a loooong time ago... I can't even remember what happened when I found that out. Eventually, I tried again today, and voila! I'm in :)

2. The past year and all had been ridiculously hectic. One of them was that I had 1.5 years of Cambridge GCE A Levels to complete. I somehow lost my interest in blogging and other hobbies, unfortunately.

3. I was more interested in manga... and still obsessively am :) For those who don't know, manga are Japanese comics.

4. I am bored. Three simple words. I just started my university course, and because of laziness and manga influence (that got me too addicted that I cannot let go anymore), my brain wandered off to this blog again and felt like writing a post again. so here i am.

I looked back at some of my precious posts... and realized how incredibly young I was. I had interests that no longer interest me, and feelings that I no longer harbour. There are still, though, some posts that still say who I am, and this somehow tells me that i still have yet to grow up completely.

Here's my first post in a long time, and hopefully i'll be back with inspiration to write again ;)

Looks

i have to agree - i don't look as pretty as others, not as impressive... bla bla bla. and i'm sure there are those who share my feelings. i happened to find this on the net (duh!) and it stuck to me somehow.

'Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man.

X)

Sigh..

It's been a while, hasn't it? with the national service program and all... but this is not why i'm typing this post today. in fact, they are different matters altogether. let's begin, shall we?

well, i'm sure everybody has heard of Facebook by now... and there's this particular place in it where we can put our pictures in it for people to see too. it was a few minutes ago when i so happened to browse through my friends' pictures. so many pictures, so many smiling faces, so many of them still together after all these years.

funny thing is, i'm considered one of the most invisible students back in high school. i enjoyed school, really i did, but that's when i started schooling in kindergarten until i was 13, in high school. since then, everything was turning downhill. everything changed; imagine, all your friends were your friends one morning and all of you were one big group. next thing you knew, little cracks begin to show in that big group. little by little, that one big group would become small... clans.

and then... maybe it was just time to grow up. obviously, with my type of family background, i can't enjoy most of my childhood or teenage years. but it really hurt so bad, like a butcher knife struck into your heart, when you realize it was too late to turn back and change to how things were before. it hurts, when i take flip through the pictures and see that all my friends are still together, and i'm left behind, partly because of my very-controlled family. and that butcher knife just keeps stabbing deeper as the years go by.

i hate this. i hate feeling unwanted, i hate feeling as though my life will always be like this, with no one to turn to. i thought i had already buried all these thoughts and feelings and told myself to get used to the way things are. but in the long run, i just hate myself even more for being like this; for being a loser... therefore, in the end, i'm only called a bitch. i feel better with that word now, more used to it, but still - sometimes, i just don't feel like i'm worth it in this world.

Mockingbird

Yeah

I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now

But hey, what'd daddy always tell you?

Straighten up little soldier

Stiffen up that upper lip

Whatchu crying about?

You got me.

Hailie, I know u miss your mom

And I know u miss your dad when I'm gone

But I'm tryin' to give you the life that I never had

I can see your sad

Even when you smile

Even when you laugh

I can see it in your eyes

Deep inside you wanna cry

Cuz you're scared

I ain't there,

Daddy's with you in your prayers

No more cryin'

Wipe them tears

Daddy's here

No more nightmares

We gonna pull together through it

We gon' do it

Lainie's uncle's crazy ain't he, yeah

But he loves you girl and you better know it

We're all we got in this world

When it spins

When it swirls

When it whirls

When it twirls

Two little beautiful girls

Lookin' puzzled, in a daze

I know it's confusing you

Daddy's always on the move

Mama's always on the news

I try to keep you sheltered from it

But somehow it seems, the harder that I try to do that

The more it backfires on me

All the things, growin' up

As daddy, daddy had to see

Daddy don't want you to see

But you see just as much as he did

We did not plan it to be this way,

Your mother and me

But things have got so bad between us

I don't see us ever being

Together ever again

Like we used to be like when we was teenagers

But then of course

Everything always happen for a reason

I guess it was never meant to be

But it's just something

We have no control over

And that's what destiny is

But no more worries

Rest your head and go to sleep

Maybe one day we'll wake up

And this will all just be a dream

Now hush little baby don't you cry

Every thing's gonna be all right

Stiffin' that upper lip up little lady I told ya

Daddy's here to hold ya through the night

I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why

We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy

Pretty baby but I promise, Mama's gon' be alright

It's funny,

I remember back one year when daddy had no money

Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up

And stuck 'em under the tree

And said some of 'em were from me,

Cuz daddy couldn't buy 'em

I'll never forget that Christmas

I sat up the whole night crying

Cuz daddy felt like a bum,

See daddy had a job, but his job

Was to keep the food on the table for you and mom

And at the time every house that we lived in

Either kept getting broken into and robbed or shot up on the block

And your mom, was saving money for you in a jar

Tryna to start a piggy bank for you

So you could go to college

Almost had a thousand dollars

'Till someone broke in and stole it

And I know it hurt so bad it broke your mamma's heart

And it seemed like everything was just starting to fall apart

Mom and dad was arguing a lot

So mama moved back on to Chalmers in a flat

One bedroom apartment

And dad moved back to the other side of 8 mile on Novara

And that's when daddy went to California with his CD

And met Dr. Dre and flew you and Mama out to see me,

But daddy had to work, you and mama had to leave me,

Then you started seeing daddy on the TV

And mama didn't like it

And you and Lainnie were too young to understand it

Papa was a rollin' stone, mama developed a habit

And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it

I'm just sorry you were there and had to witness it firsthand

Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud

Now I'm sittin' in this empty house,

Just reminiscing. Looking at your baby pictures it just tricks me out

To see how much you both have grown it's almost like you're sisters now

Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy's still here

Lainnie I'm talking to you too daddy's still here

I like the sound of that, yeah

It's got a ring to it don't it

Shhh, mama's only gone for the moment

Now hush little baby don't you cry

Every thing's gonna be all right

Stiffin' that upper lip up little lady I told ya

Daddy's here to hold ya through the night

I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why

We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy

Pretty baby but I promise, mama's gon' be alright

And if you ask me to, daddy's gonna buy you a mocking bird

I'ma give you the world, I'ma buy a diamond ring for you,

I'ma sing for you, I'll do anything for you to see you smile

And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine

I'ma break that birdie's neck, I'll go back to the jeweler

Who sold it to ya

And make him eat every carat

Don't fuck with Dad (ha ha)

- Eminem

i like this song... it has a lot of emotion inside.

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

the title says it all! its d second day of the first month of the new year... and i (and the other participants around the country) am going to leave for NS in... 15 minutes. i thought i would at least give the last word so that you people won't miss me too much... *cough* joking *cough*

anyway, i'm off for three months, and u won't hear a peep out of me until then. okay, gotta go now.

i just want to say.. *sob*.. i'm going to miss my tv, computer, anime, manga, books... and yeah. i think that's pretty much it. LOL!

okay...........

ciao! XDXD see you in three months!

Why?

the feeling's back. the feeling of... well, like the many times where i was being left alone. times when no matter how much you want to do something, you just can't do it, because you are not allowed.

i feel so trapped. still... like a little bird locked up in a cage since birth, impossible to be released no matter how much i want to be let go. the feeling's building up, refilling the bottle which held my emotions. the bottle was spilling, but now its filling itself again. fantastic.

i see how happy my friends are through their pictures and stuff. how happy they were hanging out together, enjoying themselves. i wonder... what it feels like to be with my friends, hanging out outside of school. it's so painful, just thinking about that, because i know i'll never be able to feel that carefree feeling.

maybe like a little bird locked up in a cage since birth seems too - lenient. it's more like... like... i'm walking in the pastures as a small kid, and then suddenly i was caught in the thorn bushes. every time i feel like struggling, the thorns tighten around me. as i grow up, the sharper the thorns poking into me.

oh God, i want to talk to someone. i need to talk to someone... but heh. who has so much time to listen to me, huh? thanks to these thorns, the people i mix with in the end turn their backs and walk on. i know i'm not much to be with, not interesting enough, not... free because of the thorns. so they give up and walk on. i know how tiring it is to be with me, someone who just isn't very exciting to be a friend. i really understand that feeling, because i'm also very fed-up with myself too.

what am i going to do? is this going to continue until i die? i cannot believe this. i cannot fight against the thorns. i try not to be weak, but these thorns - i'm so used to them until i would feel lost without them. i'm practically begging, i need help. serious help.

it's also painful, u know, and pathetic as well, to know that you're not wanted. partly because i can't keep up, partly because... ah. what the heck. i don't see why i even existed. why do i exist? what's the point...? sigh.